Today is a very special day, because it’s the day that Michael Jackson turns 50 - or at least the odd patch of Michael Jackson turns 50.

Seriously, there are probably parts of his face that are only a couple of months old. But anyway, as bewildered as we are that Michael Jackson is 50, his birthday does beg one important question: What do you get a man who’s already spent way beyond his means to have everything?

Turns out the answer might be a telephone interview with Good Morning America, because that’s what he’s been given. And how did Michael Jackson tell an entire country that he would spend this important milestone? By having “a little cake with my children and we’ll probably watch some cartoons.”

Don’t, OK? Just don’t.

It’s slightly odd to think that Michael Jackson is 50 years old, isn’t it? On the one hand he’s still that little boy trapped in a perpetual adolescence thanks to the childhood that was stolen from him by showbusiness. And on the other hand his face is properly messed up and he looks about a million years old like bloody Mumm-Ra or something.

At this moment Michael Jackson is probably reflecting on his first half-century; the epic highs like becoming an iconic megastar while watching Thriller change the way that music was presented forever, and the slumps like that time everyone thought he’d wanked off that little cancer patient.

Maybe Michael Jackson will wonder why he’s been reduced to shaking Japanese businessmens’ hands for cash, or be slightly downbeat about the fact that he no longer lives in Neverland and therefore can’t have his birthday party in a creepy abandoned fairground any more. But it doesn’t matter, because at least Good Morning America is around to cheer Michael Jackson up.

Getting a Michael Jackson interview, even by phone, is quite the achievement. If you usually ask Michael Jackson to speak he’ll either dress up as a woman and run away or just mumble a few lines of We Are The World and slouch off.

So what could Good Morning America glean from Michael Jackson on this momentous occasion? For example, what has Michael Jackson been doing since he was acquitted of being a child molester and everyone stopped liking him?

“I love composing and the whole thing. But I am also raising my children and enjoying it and teaching them to ride bicycles and how to read. I love it.”

Good. He may not be at the top of his game any more, but at least he loves it. Michael Jackson loves what he does. But, with everything he’s been though, would he do it all again?

“I think I would. It is very much worth it. I love the celebration of music and dance and art. I just love it.”

OK, good. Again, Michael Jackson says he loves what he does. Actually, this is getting a bit boring, isn’t it? If only there was a way to get Michael Jackson to say something creepy about how he’s unwittingly ruining the lives of his children by vicariously living his lost childhood out through them:

“I want them to get to do the kind of things I didn’t get to do. So, I fill them with a lot of enjoyment — a lot of amusement. I get pretty emotional when I see them having a wonderful time.”

Perfect. Happy birthday Michael.

Its a well known fact that supermodels are competitive amongst their own kind. The Friday night binge and purge contests, the number of perverts that stalk you, the length of community service for drug and/or violence related offences the list goes on.

But if youre a supermodel and someone were to make a gold statue of your likeness, then that pretty much gives you most super supermodel of the universe status. Take Kate Moss, for instance. Some artist has made a gold statue out of her, and thats quite an honour.

Just like it will be a tremendous honor when we finish our David Hasselhoff statue made from fingernail clippings of German teenage girls and kitten tears.

Kate Moss has quite the rocky history. A phenomenon among supermodels, Kate Moss has had a knack for capturing the waif look, sometimes known as heroin chic that became so popular in the 90s. It really speaks for her character that shes been able to create that look whilst remaining free of drugs and loser boyfriends.

Anyway, Kate Moss is the definition of beauty at the moment, dontcha know. Or at least some artist dude seems to think so. For artist Marc Quinn, the years of living in his parents basement, studying the female form in great depth and detail via pictures of supermodels has allowed him the time and lack of social interaction to create a stunning replica of Kate Moss made out of gold.

Not really. The artist just finds Kate Moss really beautiful or something. According to Quinn:

I thought the next thing to do would be to make a sculpture of the person who’s the ideal beauty of the moment.”

Were not highly into the arts, but apparently in the art world, ideal beauty of the moment is equated with cocaine scandals and greasy ex-boyfriends in fedoras. Who knew?

The statue is called Siren, and it will be on display starting October 4 at the British Museum in London.

Sources suggest that Kate Moss is actually quite unhappy with the statue, and has repeatedly requested that it be upgraded to platinum. Not only does the gold not match her hand bag, but gold makes her look like a lardy arse. Like a size 2, or something.

So, mark you calendars to see Kate Mosss statue. No word on the progress of the dirty taco wrappers being sculpted into the likeness of Pete Doherty. Story developing

It’s ace having quality bands and solo artists on your doorstep. Before they break through onto the national scene, youre guaranteed to catch them playing a gig in and around various cities close to you.

In a slightly personalised trawl this week, its time to expose you in to one such artist who has a strong reputation in the live Newcastle/Sunderland music scene.

Already tagged as a UK equivalent to LCD Soundsystem, Razmataz Lorry Excitement aka Kevin Dosdale serves up electro with soul that carries punk elements and doesnt have an electronic boys and girls sound. Another plus point is the use of back-to-basics hardware in live performances and the creation of actual tracks. In an age where bedroom producers rely on software, it is refreshing to see someone actually work like a loon behind stacks of samplers and other music-making toys that’ll boggle your mind.

Dont get us wrong, we like electronic music and when its done live, it can be improvised more easily than anything a guitar band can muster up. But seeing someone hunched up over a laptop? Hmm, that’s less impressive, especially when you question how ‘live’ it actually is. On the Razmataz Lorry Excitement MySpace page there are video performances of a typical set that will force even the most timid gig-goer to don their disco dancing clogs and join in the party.

Hot damn, theres even vocals by the man himself, which cuts out another age-old problem of electronic performers sampling vocals theyve used in the studio or borrowed from elsewhere.

We like Razmataz Lorry Excitement and so do the higher powers at The Guardian who loved his performance at the recent Leeds Festival so much that they dedicated a whole paragraph to him. Read their kind words on his MySpace page whilst you listen along to some songs.

Amongst the studio works, other tracks up for listening include remix and bootleg work. All equally impressive, but its more the original recordings that we look at first. Make It Break It an exclusive track for North-East music Bible NARC magazine combines straightforward but effect-heavy vocals over synths and pulsating beats. This track isnt breaking creative boundaries. However, if we wanted that, wed turn to an artist who hates modern technology and basic songwriting methods.

Theres remix action going for Ever Since The Lake Caught Fire another ace band you should really seek out - and theres some smashtastic bootleg action! Some people may think Foals and Bloc Party may be a bit of a mess when spliced together, due to them being very similar in sound. But enough work and tinkering has been done to make a danceable song which should surely get the nod from both bands.

With Radio 1, The Guardian, local press and - to a lesser extent - hecklerspray singing his praises, we hope that Razmataz Lorry Excitement will either get his name out on a support tour or get support from radio stations at a sociable hour not 4am grave shifts.

Read more:

Razmataz Lorry Excitement MySpace

We might be alone on this one, but does anyone else think that they picked the wrong members of the Lohan family for Living Lohan?

Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about - she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.

Lindsay Lohan’s parents couldn’t be more different. First there’s her mother Dina Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan likes. Dina routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her on a reality TV show that she’s paid to appear in. She also loves those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan.

And then there’s her father Michael Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan doesn’t like. Michael routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her to reporters for free. He also hates those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan. See? There’s a gigantic difference. Michael Lohan is a bastard.

No, really, he is. We read it on the internet.

Specifically, we read it on Lindsay Lohan’s blog. You see, Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have a tricky history. Thanks to his imprisonment and other interests, Michael wasn’t around during much of Lindsay’s upbringing, something that resulted in Lindsay Lohan writing a song called something like but not specifically Cuh, My Dad’s A Right Old Shitclaw.

And, although Lindsay and Michael patched it up briefly last year, they’ve gone and had another barney. It all started when Michael Lohan expressed his doubts about Lindsay’s possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson, who might be writing a book about their relationship. He said:

“I’ve shut up about this long enough. She’s using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at wit’s end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.”

And that’s resulted in Lindsay Lohan jumping onto her MySpace blog to return the volley of abuse. We definitely know that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for this, because it barely makes any sense:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face… he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is)… His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME.

Although fantastically entertaining, this fall-out between Lindsay Lohan and her father is also tinged with a kind of deep sadness, because it looks unlikely that this exchange has reopened wounds that probably won’t ever heal.

That’s not because Michael Lohan has repeatedly abused Lindsay Lohan’s trust, or because his childhood abandonment of Lindsay is probably responsible for all the chronic attention-seeking behaviour that ultimately landed her in rehab.

No, the real reason there’ll never be closure here is because Lindsay Lohan wants Michael to say things to her face, and there’s quite a good chance that the only way that could ever happen is if he hides up inside Samantha Ronson’s vagina.

Sorry.

Paul McCartney, the former Beatle who looks most like your nan, usually only likes to fight people with fewer legs than him.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

Gordon Ramsay is known for a handful of things. Firstly he’s single-handedly changed the way that British cooking is seen around the world. Secondly he’s got a bit of a dirty mouth and a freakishly monomaniacal fixation on his own droopy manboobs.

Thirdly, Gordon Ramsay hates vegetarians. He hates vegetarians so much that on the last series of The F Word he spent an entire season rearing two veal calves - the cruelest meat of them all, remember - only to shove slices of their dead bodies into the terrified mouths of 50 vegetarians on the final episode to prove his superiority over them, presumably because nobody would let him swagger around slapping everyone in the chops with his willy instead.

How much does Gordon Ramsay hate vegetarians? Let’s put it in Gordon Ramsay’s own words:

“My biggest nightmare would be if the kids ever came up to me and said “Dad, I’m a vegetarian”. Then I would sit them on the fence and electrocute them.”

And this hatred of the poor protein-strapped vegetarians has struck a nerve with Paul McCartney. He’s been a staunch vegetarian for 30 years because he once saw a fish that looked a bit sad or something. And when he hears Gordon Ramsay trash-talk his feeble brethren like that, there’s only one thing he can do about it.

And that’s trash-talk back. In Sainsbury’s Magazine. At a time that coincidentally happens to be right before he relaunches the Linda McCartney range of vegetarian sausages. The man clearly means business. Here’s what Paul McCartney said:

“I think it’s a case of live and let live. I will talk to people about the advantages of vegetarianism, and it will upset me if we’ve had a good conversation and they turn around and say something stupid. I just read a quote from Gordon Ramsay… ‘If my daughter ever grew up and married a vegetarian, I’d never forgive her.’ But even that I would forgive because it’s not my affair, it’s not up to me if he talks stupid or not.”

Yeah! That’s, um, mildly giving it to him! You’ll politely show Gordon Ramsay that you, um, considered his views in depth before coming to a differing viewpoint! Grrr!

Anyway, this Paul McCartney/ Gordon Ramsay face-off looks set to rage on for ages, or at least until everyone gets a bit bored of it and finds something else to entertain themselves with. So probably a couple of minutes or so, in truthfulness.

Really, though, Gordon Ramsay got off lightly. Paul McCartney isn’t a man you want to cross. At least not when you’re anywhere near the wine glass cupboard, anyway. Allegedly.